For women, giving a man a hand job is a skill to be learned. Click on the image to see how to perform a successful conclusive hand job.

A guy once told me to imagine trying to shake the sauce out of a ketchup bottle - but I had real trouble getting the hang of it.  After many years of practice, I think I’ve improved a fair deal, but my man still has to advise and guide me throughout for him to get the most out of my efforts.

Blow-jobs are far simpler, I say!

There are some really useful tips and short videos here on Handjobadvice.com

Hand job advice is a free, video-based site that give you instructions on how to give a great hand job. We hope you find it improves your relationship with your partner.

Hand Job Advice.com is sponsored by the folks at ShopInPrivate.com who believe that the Internet is a great place to conduct your most private business. Privacy is important when learning new hand-job techniques or when shopping for incredibly personal items like personal lubricants.

The Slippy Grippy:
This is a good move to do to end the hand job. Everything else you have learned leads up to the slippy grippy. The slippy grippy technique will give your man a really, really powerful orgasm.

I talked about this subject a while back here and various forums, and it did seem to cause some debate, mainly about whether or not TMS actually really exists. 

Well, from the stuff I’ve read elsewhere on the subject, it appears that Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome is a real condition, affecting many young men in particular who are worried that their behaviour of masturbating prone in their early days of sexual discovery could lead to this distressing condition, whereby they are then unable to achieve orgasm during intercourse. 

I have found a very interesting sex blog - The S Spot,
which talks about this issue quite candidly and has published some questions and answers on this worrying condition:

“I am very concerned that I may have been masturbating using the prone position i.e. face-down and may have this condition called traumatic masturbatory syndrome (TMS). I am 23 years old and have been masturbating I’d say everyday on average for the last 9 years and 90% of this time I have used this prone, facing down on a bed masturbation style method. I only just found out that this can lead to TMS. So as you can imagine I am now very worried. The added problem is that I am a virgin and so have not had a proper sexual relationship with a woman so have no way of knowing whether or not I would have problems getting an erection and maintaining it etc.
please help” [read more, via The S Spot].

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the name given to the habit of men masturbating lying face-down (or prone), which can apparently cause severe sexual dysfunction and can be quite harmful.

It can cause inorgasma (the inability to reach an orgasm) during sexual intercourse and some sufferers can experience difficulty in even getting an erection.

Many TMS sufferers find they can only orgasm by thrusting against something, such as the mattress or their partner’s leg.

My man sometimes likes to orgasm by rubbing himself against me, which I find quite erotic personally, especially if he licks it off afterwards.  But, I do understand that only being able to orgasm in that way must be quite frustrating for the man and sometimes disturbing for the partner, if they’re taken by surprise by this behaviour.

The following article from Healthy Strokes.com addresses this issue frankly with some quite interesting statistics, facts and case studies.

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit of masturbating prone. It causes severe sexual dysfunction in most males who practice it. This web site describes TMS and the problems of its sufferers and offers case studies and approaches to becoming cured.

What is Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome?

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position. Some TMS practitioners rub their penises against the mattress, pillow, or other bedding, while others thrust into their hand. Some rub against the floor.

What’s wrong with masturbating in this fashion?

Masturbating face-down puts excessive pressure on the penis, and especially on the base of the penis. These sensations are not easily replicated in conventional masturbation or in sexual intercourse. This can make TMS practitioners unable to have normal sexual relations. A survey conducted for this website revealed that males who masturbate conventionally have sex 6.6 times more often than TMS practitioners.

The most common problems TMS sufferers have are inorgasmia (also called anorgasmia; it’s the inability to have an orgasm during intercourse); or delayed orgasm. Many TMS sufferers also have trouble getting erections. It’s a common experience among males who are used to masturbating face-down to engage in sexual intercourse for over half an hour, fail to have an orgasm, and then try to reach orgasm in an atypical (and usually unenjoyable) way, such as thrusting the penis against his partner’s legs, palm, or bed. Needless to say, the female partners of these men find their behavior unusual and disturbing. These women often wonder if they are to blame for the man’s inability to reach orgasm through intercourse.  [more, via Healthy Strokes.com].

Society doesn’t permit us to be naked all the time and on most occasions, clothes are not only imperative but are a legal requirement, such as in the work place.

But, what about when it’s swelteringly hot and even though you’ve already stripped down to shorts and vest, or your featherlight summer dress is still too heavy, you’ve only one more thing left to do:

Go Commando - if you’re a guy - it’s often referred to as “free-balling” and for women it’s known as “free-buffing” (don’t ask me ‘why’ to the latter!).

Nine times out of ten, unless the exhibitionist in you prevails, no-one needs to know!

Many “hip” fashion followers swear by “going commando” - it solves the problem of visible panty lines for sure, and ever since Joey from the hit American comedy show Friends popularized the phrase, we all now know what it means.  However, it still remains that relatively few of us have the courage to try it out for ourselves:-

Why is that, you ask? Perhaps it’s the puritan in all of us. We may not wear knee-length knickers anymore, but even that strand of butt floss provides a last line of defense against, well, whatever. We simply like the sense of security that underwear provides.

But another question remains: Why is it called “going commando”? Ever the journalist, I decided to find out so that you wouldn’t have to. An Internet search yielded some pretty interesting Web sites—discussions about the merits of letting it all hang out, other articles about being anti-panty. But nothing I saw had a definitive explanation of the origins of the term. Well, dammit, I’m an investigative reporter and won’t be stopped by dead ends.

As luck (my God, the luck!) would have it, when I was on vacation a few weeks ago, I stumbled across 12 Special Forces soldiers who were staying at my hotel. These were Army guys, Green Berets, commandos in the truest sense of the word. What better way to find out the origin of the term than to just go looking myself? It’s war time, these are commandos, and while I’m no USO girl, surely I could serve my country by solving this puzzling question.

Long story short, commandos go commando. That’s apparently how the term came about.

I’ll admit this was not a scientific investigation. I certainly didn’t go around checking all of them, but the one I checked was definitely anti-panty, and he says every Special Forces guy he knows does the same. They do tend to stay in bunkhouses, so it stands to reason that they’d be aware of the other soldiers’ habits. But, still, I wasn’t satisfied. I needed more information.

A week later, the same commandos were scheduled to be in northern Mississippi attending a shooting school that specializes in training Special Forces. For this school, they’d all be staying in the bunkhouse. So I got my favorite soldier to let me in the house. The floor was covered in clothes, both clean and dirty—imagine summer camp for boys who have passed puberty, wear night-vision goggles, and shoot automatic weapons. (Can I just say now that I’m becoming patriotic?) I looked around the mounds of clothes and saw nary a boxer or brief or even a boxer brief. He guessed what I was doing and said, “I told you. We don’t wear underwear. Is that why you wanted me to bring you here?”

It turns out they have good reasons for free-balling.........[more, via Memphisflyer.com].

Call it what you will - fellatio, blow-job, sucking-off, giving good head is a skill which is acquired over time and with plenty of practice.

For the inexperienced and uninitiated, a gentle introduction is what’s needed, and the following article taken from nvsh.nl, which describes itself as “The most comprehensive site about sexuality”, is a good place to start.

Fellatio

Better known as giving head, a blowjob, licking and sucking a male’s penis is one of the best liked sexual techniques, which has the great advantage that it cannot cause pregnancy, and also gives the ‘giver’ an active role to play in love making. Just as with ordinary kissing and with cunnilingus, it is handy to know some basics.

It is very important to be very careful and gentle doing fellatio, and use plenty of saliva.

The first time you perform fellatio is probably a bit scary, so prepare for that by familiarizing yourself with his body beforehand. During ‘ordinary’ sessions you must first feel the penis against your leg or other body part, and then learn to touch the penis with your hand. You must be able to look at it, both when it is small and when it is erected.

Also you have some practical experience with manual stroking (masturbation) leading to orgasm and ejaculation.

Before fellatio you decide how far you will go. You must be on top. The first few times you practice fellatio it is probably wise to hold the penis, kiss it lightly, watch it grow, and play with your tongue, put your lips over the head of the penis, enclose it in your mouth for just brief moments and hold it away from your mouth when he climaxes, which is just before he ejaculates.

In fellatio it is a good thing to keep communication going, touch and caress him, exchange signals of pleasure, ask him if you’re doing it right. The most sensitive area is under the glans (head), where it is attached to the shaft of the penis with a little muscle called frenulum. Remember to keep plenty of saliva round your tongue and lips, and lick that spot for maximum effect.

Hold the penis by fellatio with your full hand, or with just your thumb and index finger encircling the base, squeezing lightly from time to time to make the penis stand up even harder and grow to maximum size.
You can observe the excitement in him mounting by the fellatio, since his breathing goes faster, his muscles tense, he may sigh or moan, his testicles rise and the scrotum contracts against the base of the penis.

If you put your mouth around the glans of the penis, keep your teeth away from the sensitive skin. In fellatio there should be no violent or monotonous blind movement on your part, but conscious, pleasure-giving motion with some variety, just covering the glans and coming up and then coming down all the way as far as you feel comfortable.

Only by the time he is sufficiently aroused by the fellatio to be on the way to a climax do you continue the movement you are making, stimulating the same area persistently, but of course without causing any pain or discomfort until he reaches the climax and a second later ejaculates, so you have time to move your head aside.

After sufficient experience with fellatio, under safe conditions, and if you like to try it, you can let him come inside your mouth. You can decide to swallow the semen or hold it in your mouth and then let it flow from your mouth onto his belly or leg. Have a tissue or handkerchief at hand to wipe it away, but it can also be rubbed over his body as part of the love session.

The taste of semen is like oyster without salt, and it’s a little sticky, so keep a glass of water at hand if you want to rinse your mouth.

Apparently, about 30% of men have a problem reaching orgasm during oral sex.

Many men just cannot be “made” to orgasm; this is thought to be because they often need to be in control, either partially or totally before they can actually let go enough to climax..

It’s a common problem for some men who whilst thoroughly enjoy receiving a blow-job, they just cannot tip themselves over the edge.  Unless you can give yourself oral sex, I would imagine the sensation of receiving a blow-job is initially quite alien, which could make it difficult to adjust and relax enough to reach a climax.

As always, practice makes perfect, but in the meantime, some practical advice from en.allexperts.com as follows, might be a good place to start:

wehn i have sex i find it very easy to make myself cum and then go on to make my girlfrined cum.
But she is getting frustraited because i cannot cum when she is giving me head.. i feel as though i want to but then it goes away, is there something wrong with me i have had many girls give me head and its the same everytime ......

.................One alternative, if you’re really kinky, and never cum from regular oral, is to just fuck her mouth. Tell her you want to use her mouth like it’s your dirty whore pussy (if she lets you talk to her like that) and to fuck it hard, or just ask her nicely. Fuck her mouth the way you want to fuck her pussy and ass. Then have her purse her lips and get ready as you grab the back of her head and literally fuck her mouth and throat.

For men that have to have control to orgasm, this can be the only way to achieve oral orgasm. Literally fucking a woman’s mouth to climax the way you would fuck her pussy. She may also have to lie down and let you do it on top of you, if you’re having trouble getting the right angle standing up while she’s on her knees.

Only do that kind of thing if you’re really sure she’s ready for it and wants it. She might say she’s not into it or think you’re not into it, but that might just be because she thinks you wouldn’t be, so convince her that you’re up for it, if she is.  [more, via en.allexperts.com].

Great images and intriguing read on The Perfect Phallus website from a young German autofellator.

I can’t believe how flexible he is and as for the size of his phallus, well, as we say here in France, “incroyable mais vrai!”

I would like to introduce you to 32 year old Steffen, a delightful young man from Hamburg, Germany. Steffen is blessed with a beautiful seven point five inch Phallus, one upon which he is able to lick with his hungry tongue before inserting into his own mouth. A very talented young man is Steffen, and I am sure the envy of many.

Mrs. Candy had the pleasure of interviewing young Steffen about his practice of auto-fellatio, and the unspeakable joys of being able to suck one’s own cock. Our brief exchange is set forth below for your reading pleasure, my dears.

Mrs. Candy: When was the first time that sucked your own Phallus?

Steffen: Actually, only about 2 or 3 months ago. It’s pretty new to me, although I had heard of it before. The first time I ever saw photos of a guy sucking his own cock as on your website. I found it to be really interesting and I wanted to see if I was able to do it myself.

Mrs: Candy: How long did you need to practice before you were able to achieve mouth-Phallus contact:

Steffen: I did not have to practice much at all. All of these photos were taken on my second and third try. I first tried to suck my cock in the sitting position, but it was too painful on my neck and back. I then tried laying on my back and pulling my legs over my head. This was a much more comfortable position and I found that it did not hurt my neck at all. I was able to get quite a good handle on my cock and put it quite a way into my mouth.

Mrs. Candy: How does it feel to have your own Phallus in your mouth? Does it feel different to someone else sucking your Phallus?

Steffen: In a word, fantastic! Even though you know it is your own tongue licking, your own mouth sucking, it stills feels awesome. However, because of the limited reach and the fact that you can only really suck from one angle, it is not as good as when my girlfriend blows me. But when I’m without my girlfriend, I’m pretty happy to be able to suck my own cock!

Mrs. Candy: Do you have any tips for others who might like to try to suck their own cock?

Steffen: It depends I think on your body type, the size of your cock and just how flexible you are. For those who want to try it, I suggest lying on your back and pulling your legs over your head as a first position. Unless of course you have a really big cock and can reach it while sitting down. If you can do that, go for it! [more, via theperfectphallus.blogspot.com].

Whether you’re gay or straight, couldn’t you just imagine what it would be like to pucker up and kiss these lovely, luscious labia lips?

Soooooo inviting!

You turn your face sideways to kiss my labia, upper lip to right lip, lower lip to left. I shake uncontrollably at this. Again, your lips kiss my now blazing area, only this time parted, your tongue glides over my already wet skin. With every kiss, your mouth opens more, your tongue tasting my dew for the first time. Getting the taste in your mouth, it waters for more, and your tongue laps at me fully. I moan, unable to keep myself up, I rest on my elbows as warm strokes of your tongue feel as though they are all around me, in me, through me. So tender is your love, that I tremble, and as your tongue grazes the deepest part of me, I climax, out of control, out of breath.

Moving over on my back gently, I look at you with complete love, trust, awe. I kiss your lips as warmth rushes through my body, tasting that you’ve loved me, tasting that you’ve wanted me, tasting me, on your lips and tongue. I move my hands over your back, still squirming with chills and desire.
[more, via Eroticaformosa.blogspot.com].

This one is aimed chiefly at the guys.

I would go so far as to say that practically all sexually active women enjoy having cunnilingus performed on them; and that at some point or other in their lives their partners also could do with some hints and tips as to how to do it properly.

For those of you who could do with a little advice and guidance or even a small reminder as to how to pleasure a woman and perform great oral sex on her, the following article taken from Askmen.com which covers a lot of ground on the subject may well be of some use:

When you begin to give oral sex, it’s important to start slowly. Women like it when a man takes the time to appreciate her and her body. What she won’t like is an over-achiever who jumps right in with an aggressive tongue. Pretend that her entire vagina is an ice-cream cone with three scoops of your favorite flavor; if you don’t like ice-cream, I’m sure you can appreciate the metaphor. Use your tongue to lick her vagina from its entrance up to the clitoris. Remember to chill out and relax; enjoy yourself and don’t get tense.

Move your tongue freely from her inner lips to her outer labia on one side. Once you’ve done that, draw her lips into your mouth and massage them with your tongue. And since the other side will probably get jealous, move on to the other side afterward.

Oral exploration
Were you aware that the tongue is the body’s strongest muscle? Well imagine what you could do with your tongue if you were giving her oral sex. Since you have more control with your tongue than with your penis, the sensations will drive her crazy.

Not only is your tongue naturally lubricated with saliva, you can maneuver it in ways that a penis never could. So why not use your tongue to have sex with her? Thrust your tongue in and out of her vagina, and take a break from time to time to explore her insides.

While you’re roaming around down there, vary your cadence and the firmness of your tongue. Use your firm, flexed tongue for pinpoint accuracy, such as when you circle the clitoris, and use a limber, flat tongue to cover more ground.

Remember to continuously return to her clitoris since most women achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation—especially when it comes to oral sex. However, don’t apply too much pressure to her clitoris right away because it may irritate her and turn her off. Start out gently and increase pressure and speed according to her body language.

Above all, have fun down there when you’re giving her oral sex, and keep her on her toes (or off as the case may be).

Intense vaginal volume
When you have her as hot as a lioness in heat, the following oral sex techniques are going to drive her wild. Once again, make sure to pay attention to her reactions and body language at all times. [more, via Askmen.com].

What is “normal” when it comes to masturbation?

The answer should be “whatever gets you off” I suppose, but, if your technique puts your life in danger, that can’t be “normal”, can it?

The following post is taken from the site Isitnormal.com, and, disturbing though it may be, it makes me wonder just exactly to what lengths some people will go to satisfy themselves!

Is that safe?

....... I have a very dangerous obesession- I mastrubate with my dad’s 9mm gun, I shit you not. I first check to confirm there are bullets in it and I turn the safety off, it makes me so hot and I mastrubate with the barrel. One time I was THAT close from hitting the trigger and it made me even honrier. Is that normal?
[more, via Isitnormal.com].

The Large Penis Support Group is dedicated to those poor unfortunates who has equipment so large it drains the blood from their brains during sex; he certainly looks close to coma that’s for sure...

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR MORE FUN!

This is our first go at linking to Hidebehind.com, as a precursor to using it for our own video collection. Hidebehind.com is a “one stop spot for anonymity on the web. we offer our users a wide range of free services including our popular image and movie hosting.”. As they say they keep..."no logs and have casual morals” they seem our perfect companion; their Privacy Tools look pretty cool too [VIA]

I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t love to have his cock deep-throated.

Funnily enough, the thing that causes many women a problem deep-throating - the gag-reflex - I’m told is the very thing that provides the intense sensation for the man.  In addition, the much thicker saliva found at the back of the throat is almost the best natural lubricant in the world.

So, how do we get past this urge to throw-up when we’re trying to please our partner?

Learning how to control the gag-reflex is a skill and will obviously only get easier with practice.  Don’t expect too much at the outset, and remind your partner that patience is what’s needed.

The following article from Pretty Dumb Things goes a good way to explaining how to deep-throat skilfully:

1) An introduction: Deep-throating is a skill, like parallel parking or fire eating. Unlike either of those skills, however, you really can’t hurt yourself or any one else by deep-throating a cock. The thing to remember about deep-throating is that the worse thing that can happen is that you will puke.

Which, ok, puking is gross and it’s unpleasant, and it will ruin the mood, but puking is not the worse thing a human can experience. Remember that and you’re good to go.

I’m going to take your basic oral skills as a given. If you need tips on fellatio 101, I suggest you visit Steph, the Cunting Linguist who gives very good advice on giving great head in two parts (part 1 and part 2). What I want to give you is a tutorial strictly intended to help you go places you’ve never gone before, or more precisely to help your man go places he never has: down your throat.

2) Practice makes penetrating: Like any extreme sport, deep-throating is an activity you need to work up to. You can’t expect to heli-board the first time out, and you can’t expect to just open your mouth and let that cock slam down your throat cold. You will gag and it will be un-fun, and this whole experience is about you and your man having fun. Therefore, you need to understand that it will take a lot of practice and warming up on your part, but I assure you that it’s worth it and that your partner really won’t mind the time you take.

As some of my very wise readers said in comments to my previous post, this skill can take a while to learn. You need your lover to be patient with you. Remind him strenuously if he is not. Feel free to tell him to stick a dildo down his throat and see how it feels if he gives you the yummy-reduced flavor of a hard time. Remind him of this: patience is the virtue that will lead you happily down the path to the vice of face-fucking.

Deep-throating is a test of limits. You are willfully and mindfully dismantling a basic human physical function, the gag reflex. It is natural that as you learn this skill that you will feel discomfort, that your eyes will tear, that things will feel frustrating, especially if you’ve never really thought about mastering your gag reflex before. Therefore, you need to be patient with yourself too.

If you never learn, it’s no big. There are lots of fantastic ways to give your lover vast swaths of oral pleasure without him entering your throat. But it’s worth trying. I love deep-throating; it makes me hotter and wetter than anything…anything. I urge you to try it out, and as you do, to give yourself to find the pleasure in the discomfort.

3) Find the space within: Take a moment and think about your mouth and throat. Now pull the base of your tongue at the back of your throat down, as you would if you were about to yawn. Think about making a big, round cave at the back of your throat as you kind of retract the base of your tongue.

Think about how it feels as your tongue begins to move, how you feel your throat open up, until you can almost feel pressure in your ears. Do it over and over again.

This action, my friend, is how you control your gag reflex. [more, via Prettydumbthings.typepad.com].

“In the anatomical position, the Phallus is considered to be erect and pointing upwards”.

Such majesty!

I love the way this beautiful, erect sleek cock curves upward so pointedly and with such dignity.

Lovely, tight balls and neatly trimmed pubes complete the picture nicely.

A real pleasure to look at.

The owner of this pretty perfect penis must be very proud!

The “anatomical position” is a position used as a reference when describing parts of the body in relation to each other. Used in conjunction with terms of relationship, terms of comparison and terms of movement, the anatomical position allow a standard way of documenting where one part of the body is in relation to another, regardless of whether the body is standing, lying down, or in any other position. A person in the anatomical position is standing erect with the head, eyes and toes pointing forward, feet together with arms by the side. The palms of the hands are also point forward. But what, I hear you say, is the Phallus doing when one is standing in the “anatomical position”?

In the anatomical position, the Phallus is considered to be erect and pointing upwards..........

The ventral side of the Phallus is the underside of the Phallus when its owner is in the anatomical position. Note, if you will, his impressive corpus spongiosum. Sounds rather like a Harry Potter spell doesn’t it - I can just imagine whipping out that rigid rod and screeching “Corpus Spongiosum!!” [more, via, The Perfect Phallus Blogspot.com]”

I love the site Let’sMasturbate.com, but I have to say I was a bit flummoxed as to the suggestion on it that gay men must masturbate differently to straight men; I mean, after all, masturbation is pleasuring yourself so what difference does it make whether or not you’re gay as to how you do it?

Well, it seems there is a difference with the focus being more so on the anus (duh - silly me!).

I bet there are millions of straight men out there who stimulate their anus whilst masturbating!

Double-Fisted

I like to use both hands with one cupping the head. Then when I’ve spurted onto my fist, I rub the cum over my arse crack and give myself a good fingering with my own juice. I also like to masturbate with other people.

Fun in the Sun

In a secluded place in the sun, lying on a lounge chair outside, I lift my ass onto a small pillow, put KY jelly on my left hand, stroke my cock, letting the sun warm my balls. This encourages the KY jelly to run down my ass crack, so I can insert a finger of my right hand from behind, into my anus. After I cum, I lie back in the sun and have a little nap—wake up horny again.  Sun + sex + solo is wonderful!!

Circle Jerk Guide

My Pretty Face

I like going back summersault (ass over face) so my cock is pointing at my face. This way I can have the clear sticky pre-cum drip onto my face, have great close up looks at my cock and squirt my load down into my open mouth. I usually squirt twice into my mouth and then splash my face with the rest. I love watching this in a mirror!! [more, via Let’s Masturbate.com].

Cock and ball torture (CBT) involves a variety of activities, some directly painful like spanking, ball busting, wax play, flogging, and bondage, or painless tickle torture. Some people like to use cock harnesses and testicle cuffs, metal cages, cock rings, ball stretchers, chastity devices and even ball locks.

Masochists derive pleasure strictly from the level of pain that torture of their genitals provides them. Sadists also derive pleasure not from the recipient’s enjoyment of the practice but rather from the pain they cause the recipient to experience.

My man enjoys me holding onto his balls tightly during our sex play and, although I’m careful not to cause him unwanted pain, I do derive a certain amount of pleasure from the feeling of empowerment having him at my mercy!

To better my role as a potential torturer, I can certainly take a few tips from the following article:

The torturer and her assistant entered the soundproof chamber, and locked the door behind them. The stone walled room was semicircular with a concrete floor, and bright fluorescent lights were positioned over the five cross frames. On each, a naked prisoner was firmly bound with leather straps, and the frames were tilted at a 45 degree angle, positioning their genitals at hand height. Each was fitted with a large ball gag.

“My name is Wanda, and this is my assistant, Haley” the torturer announced.

Five terrified pairs of eyes watched her as she walked slowly around, inspecting their tightly spread out young bodies and vulnerable sex organs.

“My job is to soften you all up by indescribable pain and agony, so that our inquisitors can extract from you the information we want.” Wanda continued. “I am regarded as an expert in genital torture, and my treatment will be mainly centred on your testicles. My assistant is learning my trade, and I shall be instructing her with the various procedures I employ. She will now inject each of you with a special cocktail of drugs. This will give you the biggest hard-on of your life irrespective of the agonies you will endure, and also will prevent you from fainting from the pain.”

As Haley dispensed the drugs into the prisoners’ thighs, Wanda continued to eye up the prisoners. Only she knew which man out of the five was an intelligence officer in the enemy’s land forces. The other four knew nothing of any significance, but were there to be treated to such terrifying mutilations, that the officer would tell everything he knew in order to prevent getting similar treatment. A crafty trick, but it always worked.

The other four were also chosen because of the size of their balls. Wanda had an arrangement with a doctor in the prisoners processing room. After each man had showered, he was inspector by the doctor, who selected young slim smooth-skinned men with the biggest testicles, ready for Wanda’s treatment. It was just the way she liked them.

“Oh, and there’s just one more thing,” Wanda said, looking around at the men, “Both I and Haley are sadists. We thoroughly enjoy our work. In fact, seeing a man in the throws of ball torture can give us enormous orgasms, so the longer you hold out, the better we like it.”

Wanda turned to Haley and said quietly “Leave number four to me, he’s special”. This was the officer.

Lying on the first cross was a young man of around 20. He was slim and tall, and because he arms were pulled out above his head on the frame, his concave stomach was tight and his ribs showed under his smooth skin. Wanda looked at his genitals. The doctor has chosen well. His long slim penis was rigid with the effects of the drug, and lay up his stomach, gently pulsing with his heartbeat, and two enormous balls were pulling the hairless scrotum down several inches below his legs. The humidity and heat in the chamber always provided the loosest of sacs.

Wanda walked between his legs and lifted his heavy balls in her hand. She was always surprised by the amazing differences in the size of men’s testicles. Most were average, some were pretty tiny, and a very few were huge, like these. Being a devotee of ball-busting, Wanda had read many stories on the internet. Balls were
often described as being the size of lemons, or even grapefruit. In real life, she thought, they don’t come much bigger than this - around the size of large hens’ eggs. Mind you, she could get them to swell to grapefruit size after a good beating.

“Haley, have a look at this”, Wanda said. She separated one ball and squeezed it down to the bottom of his scrotum. The gossamer skin was tight and shiny, and every detail of his testis showed through. “A testicle has a sort of fibrous outer surface which has millions of nerve endings which register two different types of
pain. The first is pressure, or simple squeezing, and the other is impact. The art of prolonging the torture is to prevent rupture or broken blood vessels which will cause the scrotum to fill with liquid.” She turned the ball sideways so that the plump flatter surface was uppermost in her cupped hand. “Now most of the cords and pipes attaching this to his body are on the top edge and away from the area we will attack. By putting my thumb on the side of his ball, I can press down and cause indescribably agony without any lasting damage”. [more, via The Torturer’s Apprentice].

Extreme this photo of a bearded lady might be, but I wonder how many of us would eventually look like this if we weren’t so attentive with our tweezers?

Unwanted facial hair is an absolute nightmare.

I bloody well hate it!

I never go anywhere without my trusty tweezers, always prepared to nick that persistent chin hair (OK hairs) that just won’t leave me alone.  I’ve been known to be deeply enraged on occasions when I’ve misplaced my tweezers and had to buy a new pair - it takes me ages to get used to new ones - it’s something about the angle of them that’s so important and differs widely between different makes.  I’ve even made my man swear that if I am ever incapacitated that he will pluck my chin for me, no matter what.

It’s quite refreshing therefore, to find an article, originally printed in The Guardian newspaper, which positively encourages the appearance and even grooming of women’s facial hair. 

Sadly though, I don’t think groomed moustaches on the fairer sex will ever catch on.

Hands up those of you who have been caught answering the door to the postman with crème bleach still clinging to your upper lip? When it comes to body issues, the female moustache is still a major taboo. Anyone with the faintest smudge of down spends long nights locked in the bathroom bleaching, waxing, shaving, threading - you name it - simply to maintain that elusive feminine mystique.
Even in the twenty-first century, moustache etiquette is a delicate thing. It’s a secret that even the closest women friends keep from each other. Instead, we spend a fortune (the British women’s hair-removal market is worth more than £30 million a year) perpetuating the myth that we’re smooth, hairless creatures.

We’re all serial defoliators now. When a friend was involved in a minor car accident, she had her microwavable moustache wax couriered to the hospital. I was let into the secret only in case she lapsed into a coma and needed my services on the defoliation front.

Nobody, but nobody, celebrates the female moustache. Which is strange, really, when well-trimmed body hair has become a minor art form. In the 1970s, feminists were much concerned with the politics of shaving, but now hair is regarded as part fashion accessory, part sexual display.

First, there was Hollywood’s love affair with the Brazilian wax, then came news that a Knightsbridge salon had perfected the ‘Tiffany’ - trimming an area of pubic hair to form the shape of a small box. And who can forget the delicious scandal earlier this year when Vogue ran a Gucci advert featuring supermodel Carmen Kass pinned against the wall, revealing the trademark G logo shaved out of her pubic hair (a novel form of G-spot)?

So why can’t we be more playful with the female moustache? Grow the hair a little more perhaps and have it braided, try a perm or even wax and sculpt it into a Salvador Dali? Heavens, why can’t we ‘out’ the whole issue? After all, the downy upper lip is the natural birthright of a whole host of raven-haired beauties (yes, we mean you, Catherine Zeta, Nigella and Martine). But while we’re happy to celebrate raven tresses, Mediterranean colouring and natural brows, no one wants to take on the humble moustache. Ladies, it’s just the flipside of brunette beauty.

We need more style icons. There’s Patti Smith, of course, who makes no apology for a dark upper lip, and Frida Kahlo, who exaggerated her mono brow and delicate lady tache (sportingly recreated by Salma Hayek in her film biopic of the Mexican artist last year). Lesbian drag queens are pretty good at fashioning a ‘faux’ moustache from crepe paper. But it’s noticeable that male artists just won’t go there. Even the surrealists, famous for blurring body parts, drew the line at the female moustache.

There are few hirsute heroines in literature. So thank heavens for Victorian novelist Wilkie Collins who created a mustachioed heroine for The Woman in White . Marian Halcombe may look unconven tional (’the lady’s complexion was almost swarthy, and the dark down on her upper lip was almost a moustache’), but she is brave, sparky and fiercely intelligent. She also inspires the extracurricular passion of the novel’s villain, Count Fosco, which can’t be all bad. [more, via The Guardian].